Zeta One [1969]

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Customer reviews

review by: darkgenius date: 2004-01-10 rating:
Quite possibly the most ridiculous movie ever made
I paid special attention to the end credits of this film, fully expecting to see a formal apology by everyone associated with the making of this indescribably bad film. It is bad enough that this film was actually made, but now a company called Salvation has made this one of the first two releases of its Jezebel lineup of DVDs. Don't let the presence of scantily clad and topless women fool you - Zeta One is an abysmal film. I don't know who the looker on the box cover is - no one this attractive can be found in the film. This 1969 British film is supposedly kitschy, whatever that really means; from what I can tell, it means embarrassingly ridiculous.

If you read the summary of the film, you will be wondering if you were sent the wrong movie as you watch the opening third of the movie. This may be the most boring twenty-five minutes ever caught on film; even the big strip poker scene is mind-numbingly tedious. Worst of all, we have to spend so much time with the film's main character James Word. I would not even insult James Bond by calling James Word a poor spoof of the man. Word is a spy of some sort who spends most of his time in bed. This is made possible by strange women who magically appear in his apartment from out of the blue. Girl number one is his boss' secretary, which allows her to see through Worth's "brilliant" fake moustache disguise; she pumps him for information about his latest mission, but he has other things on his mind. Did I mention the fact that Worth is a pitiful, rather slimy specimen of manhood? Anyway, Worth eventually opens up and tells girl number one this incredible story about a race of superwomen and the master criminal who tried to conquer them.

Yes, a Major Bourdon and his bespectacled dweeb of an assistant Mr. Swyne have learned of the existence of a race of superwomen who live - well, no one really knows where they live; we do know they kidnap selected Earth women in order to brainwash them and make them a part of their female-only society. Major Bourdon is determined to get to the bottom of this for some reason that is never explained. Luckily for him, the Zeta women (Zeta is the name of their leader; I could never understand the name they were given in the film) all dress in identical mini-dresses and go-go boots, making it easy to follow them. (The mini-dresses and go-go boots are pretty much all this film has going for it.) Swyne learns that a certain stripper (actually, none other than the "Queen of the G-strings") is to be the next kidnapped girl, and Bourdon puts his plan in motion of discovering how (and where) to conquer these alien women. It all goes downhill from here. I won't describe the silly information we learn about the mysterious Amazon-like women's society or Word's proclivity for bedding every strange woman that appears from out of nowhere in his bedroom. Word does finally drag himself out of bed toward the end of the film, but he soon returns to the only place he seems to care about. Don't worry too much about the alien women; they have a Plan 69 for anything, it seems. You won't believe the weapon these girls use on silly human men, but you will see the absolutely predictable ending coming from a mile away.

Truly, Zeta One (aka Alien Women) is one of the most ridiculous films I have ever seen. You can have a lot of fun with this film if you make a big party out of it and settle in with a bunch of friends to watch what is the ultimate embodiment of cinematic silliness; apparently, this film exists only for the purpose of being laughed at. Keep a special eye out for the big and absolutely ridiculous "elevator" scene.

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review by: date: 2003-02-10 rating:
Starlets as Alien Women in �Zeta One'
Kicking off the sporadic genre of British comedies that dressed up softcore nudity with sci-fi trimmings, 1969's Zeta One was itself based on a photo-magazine which obsessed on models scantily dressed in futuristic clothes. As a movie, Zeta One isn't exactly successful. At its best the film contains recreations of kinky photo-shoot themes like catfights and underwear clad dollies in a torture chamber, as well as eccentric scenes featuring alien women disguised in identical black wigs and ass-high Carnaby Street dresses. Generally though the movie is a poorly paced affair bogged down by the tiresome exploits of an ersatz- James Bond (Robin Hawdon) who spends the film's unforgivably static first half playing strip-poker, drinking and making goo-goo eyes at his secretary. Eventually Hawdon narrates flashbacks of some 'very extraordinary business' concerning the Angvians, a strange race of women from outer space who kidnap pretty girls then brainwash them with kaleidoscope-like effects. One such abductee, stripper Edwina Strain ('please call me Ted') gets bustled into a car by Angvian women in broad daylight then is treated to a guided tour of their lair- which resembles the set of a Children's programme- and includes such delights as the 'the contemplation room', 'the self revelation room' and not forgetting 'the static time area'. Incredulously in the middle of this up pops Charles Hawtrey-in a paycheque role between Carry On films- as Swyne an effeminate representative of a sinister organisation out to put an end to the Angvian's capers. Hawtrey's Carry On persona dictates his wimpy character as he follows Angvian women around London only for it all to end in farce when he gets on the wrong side of an irate Bus clippie.

Understandably Hawdon struggles to make much sense out these events-lets face it who wouldn't- and indeed when he relates the tall tale to his secretary as pillow talk she tells him 'oh you're making this rubbish up'. An almost asleep James Robertson Justice plays the film's villain Major Bourdon, a fat creep who enjoys capturing and chasing alien women around his Scottish estate. At pretty much the end of both his career and life, Robertson Justice was so apathetic about appearing in the film that at one stage director Michael Cort had to paste Bourdon's dialogue to the actor's knees. Cheekily, during the scene in question Cort inserts leery shots of a girl's thighs to 'explain' why Robertson Justice spends so much of the scene looking down to read his lines.

Despite a memorable publicity campaign based around girls in space-age bikinis- one of whom ended up on the cover of Cinema X magazine- the film opened at provincial British cinemas over the Christmas season of 1970 then pretty much disappeared without a trace. These days Zeta One has achieved some novelty status on account of many of its female cast members later finding success as Cleavage Queens in Hammer Horror movies. Significantly none of these actresses have fond memories of the production, Yutte Stensgaard claimed she felt exploited by her spivvy father-in-law manager who didn't tell her about her nude scenes until she turned up on set, Valerie Leon's sole memory of the film was that Cort was as strange as his only directing job suggests while the late Imogen Hassall once joked someone must have been looking out for her the day she turned down the opportunity to play an 'Angvian girl'. Zeta One is true to its saucy photo-magazine origins in one sense- its better to experience the film through its stills rather than sit though it as a whole. The film's awkward structure that always keeps Hawdon one step behind the main plotline, lends suspicion that his scenes were ghost directed by a Tigon hack in an attempt to make the original directors vision more 'commercial'- a situation that occurred with the same year's Tigon horror opus The Haunted House of Horror/ Horror House. Pure speculation I admit, but Hawdon's character does come across as an afterthought, rarely interacting with the rest of the characters, and at one backing off from a fight between alien women and men in deerstalker hats because...he's forgotten to bring his Wellington boots!

Moving with the times, 1970's variations on the theme like The Sexplorer and Outer Touch ... both required there 'starlets as alien women' to do something a little bit more provocative than run around the British countryside freezing their backsides off while pretending to fire invisible rays from their hands.


review by: date: 2002-08-26 rating:
Cheesy Retro B-grade Sci Fi
Keeping alive the great tradition of corny effects this film would be great if there was just a bit more funny parts. Sadly you just laugh at the film.
Basically the story is your standard outworldy Amazon society who due to having no men fail to reproduce. They resort to kidnapping beautiful women to join them. Of course a few 'evil' men know of there existence and want to destroy them and that's about it.
Good for the garish retro 60's fashions and the 'angliar's troops' uniform of bad wig, blue knickers and a touch of blue paint to hide the nipples and truely 'special' effects which are so bad it makes Dr Who look like it came out of Ilm.

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Similar categories

Video . DVD & VHS . Categories . Classics
Video . DVD & VHS . Categories . Adult . Retro Chic
Video . DVD & VHS . Refinements . Format (binding_browse-bin) . DVD
Video . DVD & VHS . Refinements . BBFC Rating (intended_use_browse-bin) . 18
Video . DVD & VHS . Refinements . Editions (feature_two_browse-bin) . Standard Edition
Video . DVD & VHS . Refinements . Region(feature_browse-bin) . Region 0
Video . DVD & VHS . Refinements . Release Date (feature_three_browse-bin) . 1960 - 1969
Video . DVD & VHS . Refinements . Language (theme_browse-bin) . English

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